By Dr. Bev Walpole – Clinical Psychologist, Guelph, Ontario, and Founder of Haven Wellness by Design

Abraham Maslow wrote that “a musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately happy.”

And then he said something even more interesting: “What a man can be, he must be.”

Maslow called this self-actualization.

I think we often misunderstand it.

We hear self-actualization and imagine the woman who has figured it all out. The successful entrepreneur. The enlightened mother. The person who has optimized her morning routine, found her purpose, healed her childhood, built the business and somehow remembers to drink eight glasses of water.

But that isn't really what Maslow was talking about.

Self-actualization isn't about becoming more impressive.
It's about becoming more fully yourself.

It's a different way of thinking about personal growth, particularly for women who have spent much of their lives meeting expectations, achieving goals and putting the needs of others ahead of their own.

There is something inside us that wants to be expressed.

A way of thinking. A way of creating. A way of loving. A way of contributing. A way of living that feels more honest than the life we may have constructed around expectations, fear and other people's definitions of success.

And sometimes, I think, our suffering comes partly from the distance between those two things.

Who we are.
And who we know, somewhere deep down, we could be.

Not because we aren't good enough now.
But because there is still more of us wanting to come through.

The problem is that we confuse becoming with doing.

For high-achieving women, especially those navigating burnout, motherhood or significant life transitions, it can be difficult to separate who we are from what we accomplish.

So we respond to that inner pull by doing more.
Another course. Another goal. Another strategy. Another five-year plan.

We think, I just need to work harder and I'll finally become the person I'm supposed to be.

But perhaps self-actualization isn't something we can force.
Maybe it is something we allow.

Think about a baby.

We don't make a baby become a person.
We don't sit beside a newborn and say, Okay. Let's work on your personal development.
We don't teach them how to become curious.
Or how to reach for something.
Or how to laugh.
Or how to discover what they love.

There is an unfolding already happening.

The DNA is there. The temperament is there. The capacity for language, relationship, movement, curiosity and creativity is there.

We don't create the blueprint.
We create the conditions in which the blueprint can unfold.

Perhaps we are not so different.

Maybe becoming ourselves is less about constructing a person and more about removing what gets in the way of the person who is already trying to emerge.

The expectations.
The shoulds.
The fear of disappointing people.
The need to prove ourselves.
The belief that rest must be earned.
The idea that our worth depends on how much we accomplish.
The constant noise that makes it difficult to hear our own voice.

These are the kinds of patterns that can contribute to burnout, anxiety and a gradual loss of connection with our own needs and sense of identity.

And this is where I think Maslow's idea becomes surprisingly radical.

Because “what you can be, you must be” doesn't necessarily mean do more.

It might mean:
Pay attention.
Listen.
Notice what keeps calling you.
Notice what makes you feel alive.
Notice what you keep postponing.
Notice the parts of yourself that have become quiet because they weren't convenient.
Notice the life that seems to be asking something different of you.

Sometimes self-actualization looks like building something.
Sometimes it looks like leaving something.
Sometimes it looks like becoming a mother.
Sometimes it looks like realizing motherhood isn't the only thing you are.
Sometimes it looks like taking the job.
Sometimes it looks like finally admitting you don't want the job.
Sometimes it looks like making art that nobody sees.
Sometimes it looks like having a difficult conversation.
Sometimes it looks like resting long enough to remember what you actually want.
Sometimes, it looks like rediscovering yourself after years of defining your identity through your work, relationships or responsibilities.

There is no universal version of an actualized life. That's the point.

Your work is not to become the person you should be.
It is to become the person you can be.

And perhaps the most important question isn't: “What else can I accomplish?”
Maybe it's: “What in me is asking to be lived?”

Because you don't have to manufacture your most expansive self.

You may simply have to make enough space for her to emerge.